I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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