After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize