I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
