Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
