She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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