I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
