And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize