The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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