Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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