i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
