I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
