so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
