Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
