I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
