some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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