Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
