Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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