I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Randomize