my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
