If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
