Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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