I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
