Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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