I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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