now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
