Where is the hickey?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
