You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
