I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
