They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
