Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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