Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
