You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize