someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
