His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
