Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
