So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
