She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you win again, gameday.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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