Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
