Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
