Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
