I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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