peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Randomize
