Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
