You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
