I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
