i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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