Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
