I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
