My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I need water and some morals
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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