I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
