I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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