How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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