Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
