I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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