Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
