I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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