ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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