why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
