I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize