You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
