Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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