Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
