i just wanna soil my oats bro
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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