You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize