Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
