Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize