You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
