Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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